Dammit Blake! I have more important GBR articles to write and don’t need to be distracted by constantly ****ing you up with mad truth! So here I am again making an article based on common bat-sense.
I’m just kidding, I love it when some misguided miscreant challenges the Bat. WAIT-A-MINUTE, AM I REALLY GOING TO DO A “BATMAN PWNS ARTICLE?!?!”
First off, I feel that it is my sworn GBR obligation to state the first two rules of fanboyism.
Rules of Fanboyism
FANBOY RULE #1: Batman never loses… even when he does…
FANBOY RULE #2: Always pick Batman.
I will set the Fanboy Rule Book aside for now and just state the obvious. So pull up a desk, school is in session.
Let’s first break down the items in Blake’s “article.” To be fair, I do realize that Batman is not omniscient. I also realize that he is mortal. I also realize that he is SMARTER than everyone else. I know everyone has heard fanboys drone on about Batman and prep time, but that is vital.
People get irate because some nerds claim that Batman has God-hood. Somewhere along the line some Batman fanatic has pissed in someones cheerios and they harp on the few times Batman is bested. Yes, Batman is human and he has lost battles. He is a WELL WRITTEN character, it would be boring if he always did win.Let’s keep stats in mind here. If I was a gambling man, I would always bet on Batman. (Reference: Fanboy Rule #2)
He can be beaten and he has been beaten, but he is also a regular man that is consistently doling out embarrassing punishment to every super-powered being who thinks they can step on his level. That is why we like him so much. Same reason why nerds feel like Lyle Lovitz scoring with bombshell Julia Roberts is awesome. Batman gives hope to the common man. We don’t have to be born on Krypton to womp Superman’s ass. We can be badass just by following the American dream of getting an education, getting rich, and doing Tae-Bo. Do you hate America Blake?
JLA versus Batman
It has been alluded that Batman could not take out the JLA because Wonder Woman has beat him once. Let’s put this theory to the test.
Tower of Babel showed that Batman has a contingency plan to take down anyone, including his own teammates. Since this has been referenced to death, I will resist the urge. Just know that shit will get real if he finds out that you are talking shit. He has a plan for you.
Batman versus Superman
“I want you to remember my hand at your throat. I want you to remember the one man who beat you.”
Batman in Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns.
Batman might use kryptonite brass knuckles to lay the almighty smack-down on Supes in the above cell, but there is more up his sleeve than green rocks. You honestly think that the world’s greatest detective only has one ace in the hole?
Batman versus Wonder Woman
We can all say that Wonder Woman beat Batman once. Bet let’s be real her, he’s Batman. Check my flow:
Mic=Dropped. This is me not even bringing up Kingdom Come.
Batman versus Green Lantern
How does Batman best Green Lantern? Paint himself and a whole room yellow!
So insane it works.
Bat-strategy…..take the ring. Game over!
Batman versus The Flash
Sometimes Batman’s battles are over before they even begin because his legend precedes him.
Batman versus Aquaman
Aquaman has super-strength; Batman knows how to fight…
The Sucker Punches
I know someone is waiting to finish this article so that they can comment about Bane and Darkseid. I am going to go ahead and nip that shit in the bud right now.
Bane. That name will always live in infamy. He is the villain that “broke the bat.”
He unleashed every inmate from Arkham Asylum. Once Batman put all of the escapees back behind bars and is too weak lift a finger, Bane would come and wipe the floor with him. As brilliant as the plan was, it was still a chicken-shit move. Waiting until Batman is at his weakest moment to attack. Come on now!
Again, folks we are talking about statistics here.
With all that pent-up ‘roid-rage, how can Batman still decimate him in a round of fisticuffs. You don’t believe me? I challenge you to read the Forever Evil crossover event issue, Arkham War: Batman vs. Bane. I will just let canon speak for itself.
Batman versus Darkseid
People likes to say that Darkseid “killed” Batman with his omega beams. Actually, he just threw Batman across dimensions. What does Bats do about this?
Bust the 9, son!
Batman versus Blake